You Stupid F*ckin B*tch

Hey guys! I’m ready to share with y’all about one of the traumatic events that I experienced last week, well the week before last now.

So as I shared last week, I have been in such a dark place. Depression really has been on me HEAVY! I was really looking forward to it being lifted off of me a few weeks ago because I went to the Women’s retreat that my church hosts.

About two weeks ago, we had the Women’s ministry retreat for my church. The Women’s council worked and prayed tirelessly to make it a place that was truly conducive for a meeting with God to take place, for every woman who came. It was an awesome experience. God really showed up and met us there. We had great fellowship. We shared amazing laughs. We had pure worship. We had empowering and authentic preached Word. It was a safe space for us to be exactly who we were and to get exactly what we needed. The retreat took place that Friday-Sunday. Sunday morning, we left the hotel, hit the road, and went to church.

Church was amazing.

After a wonderful retreat and great church, that meant that the tide was changing for me, right? Things were most certainly about to be on the up and up! 😆🙄😒

Lol, nice try, but naw! You see, during the retreat, I had some incidents occur with two people who were back home and if I’m being honest, it really hurt me. Truthfully, every day before I left my hotel room and went to downstairs to serve, I cried my eyes out. I even cried on the drive up to the retreat. Each day, I was really STRUGGLING with not allowing my feelings to consume me and to let God work through me! So I truly was expecting a real turnaround after the retreat!

After church, I made a stop. I did what I had to do and it was time to continue on about my day. So as I’m leaving, I typically would turn left at the light, but because it was red, I decided to make a right and just bang a u-turn at the next opening. There was this little old couple trying to cross the street, so I let them go before I turned. I made the turn and this car comes flying down the street. The driver then gets in front of me and stops. I’m thinking 🤔 umm this is weird, but whatever. So the driver drives a little more and then puts the car in park. Mind you, where still on the main road. I knew they put it in park because I saw the reverse lights come on. Next thing I know, this guy whom I have never seen before, gets out of his car. 🧐🤨 Is his car broken down? Is he about to be sick? I mean what’s going on sir?! Nope! NONE OF THAT! This piece of trash gets out of that car, yells at me, “you stupid f*ckin b*tch”, AND PULLS A GUN ON ME! That’s right, a GUN! Then he gets back in the car and pulls off, with no regard for me at all. Just as quickly as he did it, that’s as quickly as he left. It really was no big deal to him. Traumatizing to me and no big deal to him?! What?!

Like God!? You can’t be serious! Why would you let this happen to me?! I’m already in such a hard place and You let this happen?! Why?! I just came back from doing my best to serve through the pain at this retreat, for Your people! Why do I now have to face yet another thing that I’ll have to get recover from?

It was weird though. In the moment, I didn’t flinch or even blink. I wasn’t moved or bothered at all. When I got back in the house I cried because I was so angry because here I go, minding my business, and someone decides that they get to violate me, again?! This isn’t fair! It’s not right! Then I was also mad because why didn’t I feel anything? How am I this numb to everything?! Then I realized, I wasn’t numb, I just had peace in the situation. Lol what’s also funny is, when I went to dinner later, I shared with some of the ladies what happened, and the consensus was that I was covered by the blood. Weirdly, the next day, I put my hands in the pocket of the jacket that I was wearing, which I never do. You know what I found in my pocket? A COMMUNION CUP 😭🙌🏽 I really and truly was covered by the blood in that moment, well really, in all moments.

I wish I could say after that, the turnaround finally came, however, that just isn’t true! I felt a little better but I was still just not myself. Smh, and you know what?! Just three days later, I experienced yet another traumatic event. This one still has the potential to change my life. So I’m not finished processing what I feel/what happened, and I’m also, just not ready to share. However, one day I will. But until then, just keep me lifted in your prayers please. 🙏🏽🙌🏽

Please know, no matter what it looks like, God will always provide a reminder of His protection and presence in our lives. In the big things, in the small things, He is there. He keeps us, even when we don’t want to be kept!

❤️MrR❤️

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