A Look In The Mirror

So, you have picked out the most amazing outfit to wear to the event that you’ve been looking forward to attending for quite some time. Time is growing closer to the event so it’s time to try it on to make sure everything fits exactly how you want it to. So you try it on, accessories and shoes included. 😍😍😍 Perfection! It’s exactly what you expected it to be! Just don’t eat too many sweets before the big event in three days and you’ll be just fine!

Wait, I don’t think I’m actually talking about that. I’m not talking about the time where you looked in the mirror and loved what you saw being reflected back to you. I’m talking about when you looked at yourself and got really honest. When you were totally “naked” and took inventory of yourself, the good, the bad, and the indifferent. The look where you aren’t looking at the clothes or the hair, but the inside of you. THAT, that’s the look in the mirror that I just had.

So this past week I’ve been writing my feelings out, a lot! I didn’t feel like I had the space to share them with anyone so I knew the safest place would be just with me for now. I was overwhelmed. I was frustrated. I was confused. I was disappointed. I was feeling rejected. I was tryna keep pushing through, so I kept writing. I was struggling so I was crying a lot. I probably cried a good ten times this week! 😫🤦🏽‍♀️

Why was I such a ball of emotion you ask? 🤔🤔 Well let’s just say I was on a mission to unmask myself or my feelings rather. I refused to let them take me to a place that didn’t want to be! This week was hard, really hard! I had some conversations that made me take a deeper look at myself. It made me realize that I’m pretty good at communicating, until something happens that really rattles me that is. 🙄🤦🏽‍♀️ When that happens, well let’s just say, sometimes, you might just wonder if I’m a Christian or a counselor after all!

I usually try to calmly express what I’m feeling. Sometimes it works (yay) and sometimes it doesn’t (boooooooo). When I express myself in a way that’s conducive to the person that I am striving to be, I feel proud of myself. When I explode I often feel this immense amount of guilt and shame. I noticed that when I feel like I’m being rejected or that I’m not being heard or that my feelings are being ignored, it’s harder for me to stay calm. It’s harder for me to communicate effectively when I feel like I’m already being counted out. I become insecure. I become fearful of the outcome. So what do I do at times? I lash out! Why? Because it’s easier to scream and fuss than it is to be vulnerable and say, “whoa I’m feeling a bit ignored right now and it actually hurts”. Right?! Wrong! You may have avoided that vulnerability in the moment, but you’ve only worsened the situation and you still have to come back and be vulnerable later when you’re apologizing for the mess that you’ve just created, in addition to what you were already feeling. It’s really hard for me to feel as if I’m being taken for granted or like me feelings/thoughts don’t matter. When I’m in a space of feeling like that, I kind of feel lost. If I’m trying to convey that but still am being hit with responses that make it seem like I’m crazy, I seem to crumble in those moments. I feel like I lost all sense of sensible and effective communication. I find myself saying things that I often regret. Not because I initially set out to say them, but because it seems that something switches in brain and makes me want to make them pay for hurting or ignoring me. That’s actually quite terrible and ineffective! It doesn’t help to yield the results that I would like to see! I become even more frustrated. Anger soon follows because what I was really feeling was never expressed.

But that’s not who I am at my core. That’s not who I want to be. I want to continue to be the person who is intentional about the things she says and does. The person who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable because she’s surrounded by people who honor her truth. The person who builds up others and not tear them down. The person who owns her feelings, whether they be good, bad, or indifferent. The person who is constantly looking in the mirror and applauding her strengths and acknowledging and correcting her shortcomings. The person who God is pleased with. The person who is loving and loved. The person who is acceptable to me. The person who makes others feel better just by being in the same space. The person who is light hearted and kind. That’s the person who I strive to be.

Guys I want y’all to remember somethings! You’re human so you will NEVER get it right every single time. Use those times where you get it right as encouragement for the times where you find yourself struggling. Get honest with yourself. Acknowledge your struggles. Identify your strengths. Ask for help. Seek guidance from someone who genuinely wants to see you grow and has your best interest at heart. Forgive yourself for the mistakes that you make. Live each day to the fullest. Most importantly, ask God to help you to improve in all areas of your life.

❤️MrR❤️

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