Things Come Full Circle

As of 4:23 am this morning, it’s been FOUR years since one of my best girls left me. Writing this, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like it’s happening all over again. I actually wish it was. But it’s not. It’s just feelings and memories. I wish it was happening again because then I know I would see you again, two more times before I didn’t see you anymore. I don’t get that this time, so I’m writing this with a face full of tears. I’m sad in this moment. My heart is heavy. If I’m being honest, I’m also grateful. I know you would be SO PROUD of me. I’ve been doing what you said. I haven’t been perfect but I’m doing exactly what you told me. I listened.

I’ve wanted to give up so many times. LITERALLY, there have been times where I laid in the floor and cried and ask God to just take me outta here. I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I’ve experienced so much more pain after you died and I just didn’t want to feel it anymore. The journey has been hard. There have been many ups and downs over the last four years. Before you died, you told me to be STRONG AND STEADFAST and somehow I’ve been just that. You told me to trust God and to stay in the Word. I did that, not always willingly, but I knew that was my saving grace. I know that my place in life is to be exactly who God called me to be, wherever He sends me, whenever He feels like it. So knowing that, I’ve been able to get back up every single time and keep on swinging. Over these last four years, I’ve done SO much and I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve instilled in me because so much of it is because of you.

YOU bragged about me every chance you got, to anyone who would listen! You showed and told me what it was like to have someone believe in you, cheer you on, and correct you when you needed it. You always told people about me getting my masters. I was really upset that I didn’t get to graduate before you passed away. I felt like I failed in that area because I didn’t graduate in the timeframe that I wanted to. Had I done that, you would have been at my graduation. But two months after you died, I completed my degree. That following May, I walked across the stage with a picture of YOU in my hands as I graduated. During that time, I was working at Hopkins as a Research Assistant for the CAP program. After some time studying, I obtained my license to be a counselor. Since then, I’ve had two jobs. One as a consultant counselor (referring people to counselors/psychologists/social workers/psychiatrists) and the other as a counselor working with kids and families in Montgomery County. Guess what?! TOMORROW I’m starting a new position BACK at HOPKINS FOR THE CAP PROGRAM as a counselor. Talk about FULL CIRCLE! When I applied, I received glowing recommendations from the previous doctors that I was working for. You see, sometimes, how you leave a place is often more important than how you entered it. You never want to leave people by giving them a reason to think less of you. You must carry out every assignment as if it was unto God.

I don’t believe that you told me to trust God and to stay in The Word just because it sounded good. I believe that you saw more in me than where I was during that moment. Maybe God had given you a glimpse of the work that He has for me to do. If you saw me now, you would for sure be proud, but I feel like you would tell me, “see THAT is why I told you to trust God and to stay in The Word”. You see now, I’m even more active in ministry at church than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m a part of the women’s council and we’re responsible for helping to empower the women of the church to wholeness. I am even responsible for leading the women’s book club, ME! I’ve always loved to read and now I’m able to use that passion to pour into others. Being a part of the women’s council has allowed me to form and strengthen relationships. They push me to go beyond my comfort zone. For example, a while ago, I went on Monaye’s (one of the women’s director’s) radio show called Diva Talk with DivaNaye as a guest. She recently had to have surgery. You know what she did before her surgery? She asked ME to be one of the cohosts for her show while she’s recovering! Bruh God is opening doors and showing others glimpses of what He’s placed inside of me. People trust me to help others. Why? Because I’m perfect? Absolutely not! It’s because they see the God in me and see that I take His assignments to help others SERIOUSLY. They see that I’m determined to grow and do all that He’s called me to do, even if I’m afraid at first and need some extra encouragement. I want all of us to live an abundant life in Him man, I swear I do! But not only that, I get to lead in some other ways as well(that’s under wraps right now but it’s coming). While it’s quite rewarding, it can be very difficult at times. It is no easy feat at times and you must be leaning on God every step of the way, in order to be effective for the up building of the Kingdom.

As I’ve gone through extremely difficult personal matters, it has been so important for me to not lose my faith because some of it could have made someone else lose their mind. In the midst of all hell breaking lose around me at times, I’ve managed to still worship God and praise my way through things. I’ve managed to surround myself with people who REALLY CARE ABOUT ME and not just what I can do for them. Of course, some of slipped through the cracks for a moment or a season, but don’t worry, they’ve all been dismissed . I’ve been in situations that I’ve handled so much better because of how much I’ve grown. Others, I’ve still failed, but instead of taking the nonchalant or “I don’t care” attitude, I’ve apologized and tried to fix the situation. You see I’ve been tryna catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. Our talks were a big part of my growth and maturity. Watching you handle things well, was an excellent example to follow. Even down to being on your sick bed, giving God what was due, was required.

You see, life isn’t gonna be easy man. It’s just not how it works. You’re gonna go through trials and tribulations, but you’re also gonna have times of rejoicing. Cherish them all, because each and everyone of those is teaching you something, birthing something in and through you, or just allowing you to experience God’s love for you. So if you really sit back and look at it, you’ll see how truly beautiful life really is. You’ll appreciate the small things more. You’ll let go of the people and things that don’t matter. You’ll just truly live in the moment, because the next, isn’t promised. You’ll live knowing that your best days are still ahead of you and you’ll truly be grateful for it all.

️MrR️
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